Wilma or a Betty Man

So, I went to the Melanie Doane concert here in Toronto last night. I LOVE her! She is one of those artists who you can pop in the CD player and just get inspired to write... So it is not surprising then that after hearing her play this song from her new cd that I would come up with something...

Please note: If a line is in italics it is a line from the song

"Publicity," Kevin said shortly, concentrating on the sheaf of papers in front of him.

"Duh, cuz," Brian snorted. "I think what the man meant is 'why are we doing an interview for a neophyte teen fanzine.' Or maybe it's 'why are we doing an interview with some geeky little fan who has never published a story before.'?" He glanced at AJ who shrugged, indicating that either question would work for him.

"Because it makes us look accessible, close to the fans, eager to get to know them," Howie replied, sipping on his tea.

"BORING!" Nick didn't even look up from his GameBoy. "I thought we got to stop doing this shit now. I mean, we ain't a boyband anymore."

"Speak for yourself, Junior," AJ drawled. Nick flipped him the bird without looking up.

Kevin sighed. "Because we have to," he said softly. "We have no choice." He glanced at Brian and Howie and both men give him a little nod. "Guys, you know that we lost a lot of ground when we took our break. Out of the spotlight for a long time. And that just doesn't work in today's music scene." He nodded at Nick. "We all shat on Nicky when he did his solo thing - me too - but at least he kept some sort of presence up for us or we'd be in an even worse place."

"Nick's album tanked."

"Gee, Bri, thanks for your continued support," Nick retorted angrily.

"Beg to differ, Rok," AJ said. "It didn't break any sales records but Jive had Timberlake's head up its ass and didn't give Nick a fair shake. It was a good first album. And the little concert things he was doing - he put on a good show and people respected that."

Nick gaped at him, shocked by the support from an unexpected quarter.

"Be that as it may, we are back in the position of publicizing the new disc just like we used to back in the day," Kevin said. "So, yeah, we have to do an interview with a geeky little reporter with no rep for a squeaky little teen mag that hasn't even hit the shelves yet." He turned to Brian. "May I remind you who was the asshole who stuck us with The Firm in the first place? We're going to spend years trying to pick up after that shitty move."

"Now, boys," AJ said silkily before Brian even had a chance to open his mouth. "Let's not get all bitchy. Put on your game faces. Looks like the little Barbara Walters is here."

All five heads turned to see a thin, blonde woman enter the room. Actually 'woman' would be a misnomer: she was clearly in either her late teens or very young 20's, and dressed accordingly. An overlarge black sweater, which fell almost to her black jean-clad knees. She wore black runners with a white strip around them. It matched her hair, which was also black, though with a strip of bleach blonde around the bottom inch. She wore square Elvis Costello-style glasses and had a very ratty looking backpack slung over her shoulder. She glanced their way and then studiously ignored them as she had a brief chat with their media person.

"Goth queen."

"Vamp wannabe."

"Hot babe! Hope she's stacked under there…"

"Is there, like, a uniform requirement for reporters? Some sort of, umm, 'you gotta wear this to be a hip writer dude' thing?"

"Shut up guys: she's on her way over."

The woman, accompanied by Paul, their PR person, ambled over to the couches where the five were sprawled. Paul had a thin smile plastered on his face - one that never quite seemed to reach his eyes - and it seemed to get thinner as the two reached the Boys. "Hello all," she said in his high-pitched, slightly oily voice. "I'd like to introduce you to Natalie Simon. She's here on behalf of OMG."

"I think that is OMG exclamation mark, Paul," Howie said smoothly, offering his hand to the young woman. "Hello Natalie, I'm Howie."

"Yes," she replied. "The exclamation mark is always necessary with teen magazines." She let her 'pack slip off her shoulder and drop on the floor. "Pleasure to meet you, Howie."

Brian chuckled. "What?! You are not a fan of exclamation marks! How ever did you get this gig?!" He too offered his hand.

She gave him a slight smile and raised an eyebrow. "Brian, I was told you'd forsworn your joking ways. All respectable family man now. Glad to see you retained your humour."

"Can't change a boy's diapers and not keep your sense of humour," he replied. "Things may hit you in the face if you don't."

"Gross! Could you can that crap, Bri?" Nick groaned.

"I would if Bay' would." He tousled Nick's hair as he walked past him.

Natalie shook hands with Nick, Kevin and finally AJ, who insisted on kissing the back of her hand. She rolled her eyes at his action, but a slight blush crept up her face. She bent to pick up her sack and pulled a steno pad and a micro cassette recorder from it. She indicated the chairs and said, "shall we get started?" before sitting in the straight back chair that sat facing the sofas.

Paul walked away as the five men resumed their seats on the comfortable chairs. AJ looked at her as she shifted nervously on the chair. "You vill tell us everythink you know," he said in a very bad German accent.

She frowned at him before realizing that the set up looked more like they were interrogating her rather than the other way around. She chuckled as she finally settled back. Then jumped forward as something metallic clinked against the back of the chair. She turned, pulling up her sweater to reveal a thin white tank top and grabbed a small box from where it had been sitting on her back. She pulled it out, disconnected the black headphones around her neck from it. The headphones had matched her sweater so perfectly that none of the men had noticed them at first. She placed the player beside her, clicking it off as it suddenly started to squawk.

"Sorry about that." She placed her microcassette on the table beside her, punching the record button, and leaned forward. "Now, I know that OMG! is a new 'zine and hasn't even hit the stores yet, but while we have a bit of a cookie-cutter format we are trying to do slightly new and innovative things. So I am going to have a bit of a strange approach to this interview. I am going to ask you a series of questions…"

"And that is different from usual?" Nick chimed in.

She ignored him. "And I'd like you to answer them all. Even if I repeat a question. Just let one of the others answer it that time. Also, I am only going to ask the question and you'll have to accept it as it is. I won't go into more details so asking for them will do you no good."

Kevin chuckled affably. "As Nick said, 'that is different how?'" He glanced around at the others. AJ shrugged. "That should be okay. But we do retain the right to not answer a question if we don't want to."

"Understood," Natalie replied. "I did want to say, before we start, that I really had never listened to your music before. And now I have I really love it. This love is so new and I wanna know everything about you"

"Okay, shoot," Howie invited. Natalie smiled at them, plugging the headphones into her music player, placing the headphones on her head and hitting the play button. The Boys looked at her quizzically as faint strains of music began to play, but before they could ask about it she started her questioning.

What do you wear to bed?

Howie sighed and glanced at Kevin. "Really thought we were beyond this type of question."

AJ leaned forward with a shark-like smile. "Why don't you come back to the hotel with me and find out for yourself?"

"Geez, 'J," Nick snorted. "Just 'cause you dodged the marriage bullet doesn't mean you have to revert to being a slut." He smiled at Natalie. "Nude. Ask any other teen magazine. They all know that."

AJ turned to Brian, elbowing him. "Did Nick just say 'revert'? Isn't that a big word for a him?"

Do you think Elvis is dead?

Brian laughed. "You were serious. The question, the whole question and nothing but the question, hunh?"

Kevin frowned. "Weird way to interview people. What about questions about the album? About the tour?"

"Nope. He's alive. Runs a greasy-spoon in North Dakota. Oh, and Marilyn Monroe is a waitress there. James Dean is the short-order cook," AJ said as he lit up another cigarette. "Next question."

Natalie turned to Nick. "I wanna know everything that's going on in your head. Are you a Wilma or a Betty man?

He laughed. "Well, both of them are pretty hot. I'd say Betty, though, I mean she seems more laid back. And 'sides, I sort of look like Bam Bam."

"Yeah, but Bam Bam is her son. That's kind of kinky, man," Brian said.

"Whatever. Come on, Natalie. What's next? I'm kind of getting into these flaky questions," Nick grinned.

Do you drive a Mercedes or a Trans Am?

Howie: I have a very sweet Corvette. Purple. Old school style with a rag top.

"Pimp-mobile," Kevin stage whispered as he took a sip from his bottle of water. Howie glared at him but turned back to Natalie.

Do you have a single malt or beer in your hand?

Kevin looked down at his hand. "Water." Then he grinned. "Or it could be vodka... same colour. Wanna check?" he asked, but Natalie had already turned to Brian.

Will you love me like no other can?

Brian flushed. "Umm... married man, here." He pointed to the ring on his finger.

"Oh is that where the 'ball and chain' is connected?" Nick laughed.

What kind of man…

"A married one," Brian replied. "One who is deeply in love with his wife. And son. That's what."

The interviewer turned, ignoring him as if he hadn't said anything. She looked at Howie. "Do you like when I touch your hair??

"NO!" AJ and Nick shouted in unison and then started to laugh.

Are you wearing boxers under there?

"Wanna check?" AJ grinned.

"Geez! This is ridiculous," Howie moaned. "Can we please get rid of that question? I don't see Paul McCartney or Sting or Elton John getting asked those questions. Why do we always get stuck with them?"

"'Cause we aren't a Sting or an Elton John," Kevin replied. "And we used to answer the question so often that folks just don't know when to quit now." He gave Natalie a warning look.

"Just ignore Howie," Brian grinned. "Howie's just pissed 'cos the warehouse ran out of Backstreet briefs in size small."

"What can I say? I feel sorry for you. Now you'll have to go out and buy your own. At least it'll be a while before the large size runs out," Howie retorted.

Nick leaned over, laughing so hard tears were running down his face. "Burn! He got you, Rok."

Tell me who was your first kiss.

A nostalgic look crossed Kevin's face. "Lori Cross. Grade 1. So long ago." He grinned mischeviously. "She gave me tongue too."

Brian raised his hand. "Lori Cross." He glanced at his cousin. "Also in grade 1 - though she was in grade 4. Guess she liked the family, hunh?"

"Tongue?" AJ asked. Brian grinned giving him a thumbs up gesture.

"Grade 1," Howie snorted. "You Kentucky boys are major sluts. I didn't get around to it until Grade 5."

"Yeah, but tell 'em who with," Nick said. Howie blushed and shook his head. "Come on, D. I will if you won't."

"Shit, Nick. I told you that in private."

"Oh, now I really want to know," AJ leaned in.

Nick whispered to Howie, who shook his head and slapped his hand away. The two held a brief conversation before Howie sighed and said, "okay. It was with Bruce Gelinek."

"A GUY!" AJ's eyes bulged. "Bruce!" AJ obviously recognized the name. "And you never told me?! Why am I only finding out about this now?"

"Who was Bruce Gelinek?" Kevin asked.

"A kid who was on the same talent circuit as AJ and I. Kind of looked like that Macaulay Culkin. Anyway, we were bored at an audition one day and talking about girls. Neither of us had had a first kiss yet and we were getting a little annoyed about it. So we just kissed each other. Just to get it over with."

"And?" Nick asked, with the tone of someone who knew the rest of the story.

Howie sighed. "And we got caught. By Margaret Wimple. She thought it was hilarious and we ended up having to kiss her to get her to shut up." He smirked at AJ. "And yes, my SECOND kiss was full of tongue."

Suddenly Natalie leaned in, giving Howie a long, deep kiss. "Did it feel like this?" she asked afterwards.

He leaned back, eyes wide open in surprise at her act. "No, actually," he said, a little huskily. "Bruce and I... it was just a really quick peck. The second one - the one with Margaret - was more like that." He blushed a little, adjusting the neckline of his shirt, trying not to look at the woman.

The others grinned at his discomfiture but AJ was frowning, trying to remember. "Didn't Margaret Wimple have braces?"

"Yeah. Cut up my tongue real bad. Couldn't sing very well at the next audition."

Who makes it on your desert island list?

"Ah... Okay. Major shift in questioning," Brian said. "How many people do we get to bring?"

They all looked at Natalie expectantly but she seemed to be ignoring, slowly bobbing her head to the sound of the music that trickled from the headphones on her head. Nick looked at the others flashing them a look that said he clearly thought their interviewer was nuts.

Finally AJ shrugged. "Gwen Stefani. Without the husband, of course. My mom. Need someone to clean and feed me. The guys. Just in case we run out of food."

"That's gross, 'J. You are so not eating me," Howie snorted. "My mom. My whole family; so I don't get lonely and neither do they without me. Maybe a few Playboy bunnies too. Just to round out the group." He flashed Natalie a wink.

"My wife. My son," Brian said decisively.

"Geez, Bri. Could you get any more whipped?" Nick snorted.

"You didn't let me finish, dumbass," Brian retorted flicking his fingers at his tormentor. "My family. And Nick so we have someone to change the diapers for us." He stuck his tongue out at the younger man.

"Right. 'Cause that would happen," Nick snorted. "I'd swim for it before that happened. And don't worry, D. I think AJ is more interested in my bodacious body than yours," he lisped. AJ pulled his sunglasses down so that Nick could really see him roll his eyes. "Whatever. Me? I'd bring my bro, Aaron. My sisters. My dad. A couple of buddies. That's it. Now you, Kev?"

"Not missing someone on that list there, Nick?"

Nick shook his head, gesturing for Kevin to make his declaration.

"My wife. And no, I am not whipped, AJ. A few friends. I would say these guys, but I'm beginning to have second thoughts." He looked pensive. "If I could have anyone, no matter what, I'd pick my Dad," he said softly.

Howie nodded sadly. "Yeah. Caroline too."

Natalie turned so suddenly the guys jumped a little in surprise. She levelled her gaze at Brian. "Are you a Wilma or a Betty man?"

"That one again?" He shook his head. "Wilma, I guess. Bet she has gorgeous long hair once she lets it down. And they have a dog. Or dino. Or whatever."

"Little bigger than Tyke though, hunh?" Kevin grinned. Then looked a little spooked as Natalie turned to him.

Do you drive a Mercedes or a Trans Am?

"Right now? Still driving my Durango." He sighed Natalie turned to Howie. He caught AJ's eye and shrugged, a quizzical look on his face.

Do you have a single malt or beer in your hand?

Howie looked down at the mug in his hand. "Tea. Cold tea, now." He sat back, expecting Natalie to turn to one of the others but she continued to stare at him. Finally he sighed. "Okay, so single malt. But only this once. Usually it really is tea."

"Shame, shame," Nick chortled.

Will you love me like no other can

He blanched, berating himself for teasing his chohort. "Um..." He looked at the others, hoping for support but they had all leaned back, sly grins on their faces, glad to be out of the hot seat.

Nick took a deep gulp and then nodded, clearly deciding on a safe course. "I suppose I could. If I really loved you. I mean that's what we are all after, right? True love. With someone who really loves and understands you. So, yeah. I guess I could. If we were seeing each other or something."

What kind of man…

Nick swallowed again. "Not really sure I am one yet. But I'm getting there." He leaned forward, starting to feel comfortable talking about this. "I mean, I grew up on the road. And with these guys. They were, like, there more than my parents, you know? So I've had a strange life. And I am still growing up. Not sure who I am yet. Part of why I did my solo thing. Wanted to figure out who I am, you know?"

"Now or Never," Howie whispered, smiling softly at Nick.

Nick nodded, about to say more when Natalie spoke again. What kind of man… she asked again. He opened his mouth but nothing came out.

She turned to AJ, leaning forward and looking him in the eyes - or at least where his eyes would be if they weren't hidden under his sunglasses. "The more of you you let me see the stronger I know my love will be," she said passionately. "I am just trying to understand so come on show me what kind of man..."

This time it was AJ who was at a loss for words. She stared at him, cocking her head slightly. When he didn't answer she shot off a few more rapid-fire questions: "So what do you wear to bed? Do you think Elvis is dead?"

"Already told you. He's in North Dakota. And I am a nudey too." He clamped his mouth shut, meeting her gaze with a resolute look on his face.

"I wanna know everything that's going on in your head," she whispered to him huskily. AJ opened his mouth. Then shut it. He looked around at the others in confusion.

Are you a Wilma or a Betty man?

Howie was startled as her head whipped around and she directed her question to him. "Umm. I don't now. Never really thought about it. Betty, I guess. I like darker hair. More latina-looking women, you know?"

Do you drive a Mercedes or a Trans Am?

"Oh it's back to me again, is it?" AJ said with a bite in his voice. "Mercedes. I have several of them. Wouldn't be caught dead in a Trans Am. Too trailer park. More like Nick's taste."

Do you have a single malt or beer in your hand?

"Hey!" Nick was annoyed at AJ's comment and almost missed the question. "Oh. Me again? Umm. Nothing right now. Maybe a beer later though." He shrugged and looked at Kevin. So did Natalie.

Will you love me like no other can

Kevin twisted uncomfortably in his seat, trying to pretend he hadn't been checking Natalie out when the attention had been focused on the others. "Also married. So, I guess not." He smiled a sultry smile at her. "Back in the day, though. Probably. Depends on what you're into." He leaned forward, deepening his voice. "So tell me, baby, what is it you like?"

"Kevin!"

"Shut up, cuz," Kevin retorted. "This interview is fu.. screwed up. So I might as well play it up too."

Are you a Wilma or a Betty man?

AJ grinned wolfishly. "Betty. Definitely Betty. Major babe. Pale skin, dark hair, big rack, tiny waist." He sighed dramatically. "Of course with my luck she's interested in getting a recording contract." The other men chuckled goodnaturedly.

Do you drive a Mercedes or a Trans Am?

"Escalade," Nick said shortly.

Do you have a single malt or beer in your hand?

"What? Me again?!" AJ threw his hands up than laughed in frustration. "Neither. I'm a recovering alcoholic. Recovering from the last time I fell out the wagon. So nothing but Coke for me. Happy?"

Will you love me like no other can

Howie flushed slightly. "How am I supposed to answer that? What the hell are you looking for in the answer? Do you want to know if I am gay? Is that it? People are always saying, 'look at him. He's the short one. The unattached one. He must be gay.' But I'm not! I've had more girls than all of them put together. Is that what you want to hear?" he blustered defensively.

What kind of man...

He puffed out his chest. "The best kind, sweetheart. The kind all you women wish for. Nice on the outside, but naughty behind closed doors. Just can't find someone to appreciate it." He crossed his arms across his chest, glaring at her angrily.

Do you like Ginger or Mary Ann

"Whoa! I was going to say Wilma, but now..." Kevin frowned. "Umm. I like Mary Ann 'cause she was down to earth. But Ginger was sultry and sophisticated too. Put me down for either." He flashed a grin. "Just not Mrs. Howell, okay?"

Natalie rotated in her chair quickly, pointing at Brian. "What kind of man…"

"Married. Happy. A dad. Content."

What kind of man…

"Seriously fucked up. Tough enough to want to save myself on my own terms, but happy to be rescued too, if the right woman comes along," AJ replied honestly.

What kind of man…

"An unloved one. One who is aching to love." Howie decided to follow AJ's lead.

There was an expectant silence following the comment. All five men looked at Natalie, wondering what would be next...

Suddenly, she sat up straight, removing the phones from her ears and turning off the recorder. "Okay, that'll do it. Thanks, guys."

"That's it? You didn't ask us anything!" Brian frowned.

"Yeah, where was all that usual shit like when the tour starts and what's the stage gonna look like?" Nick grabbed a bottle of apple juice from the craft table behind him.

Natalie shook her head. "Not what I was after here. Thanks for your input," she said again, placing her music player on the table, grabbing a juice herself and striding towards to door. Once there she struck up an in-depth conversation with Paul, ignoring the other men.

"Okay, is it just me or was that the weirdest thing we've been through in a while?" Howie asked.

"I vote weird," Nick replied.

"What the fuck was that? I mean talk about questions from Mars," AJ shook his head. "And what was with the listening to music?" He ambled over to the table, picking up Natalie's player.

Kevin sighed. "Shame. She seems like a nice kid, but she'll never make it as a reporter."

"Maybe in one of those alternative papers, maybe." Howie said. "Village Voice or whatever."

"Yeah, like the Voice's gonna ever be covering us much. Send Kev back to Broadway and maybe, but I can't see us there much," Nick snorted.

Brian shrugged and leaned back on the sofa, rubbing his eyes. "Do we have any more interviews today? I'm wiped."

Kevin picked up his sheaf of papers, rustling through looking for their schedule. He stopped when AJ started to chuckle. He stared as AJ started to really chortle. He frowned when AJ clutched his stomach, leaning forward as tears of laughter rolled down his cheeks.

"Umm, guys?" AJ finally said. "I think we've been had. Listen to this." He handed Howie the player and smirked as the shorter man listened to the song that was playing. Howie's face mottled in embarrassment, and he handed the player to Brian quickly. Brian listened then started to laugh too. He handed it to Kevin, evading Nick's determined grab.

"What the fuck?!" Kevin said after listening for a few moments.

"Enough. I wanna know," Nick yanked the 'phones from Kevin's head and pulled them onto his head, flicking the play button.

"Well, that explains, the weird questions," Brian said quietly. He glanced at Howie. "Don't you just hate it when they don't ask what you expect and make you reveal more than you wanted to?" Howie nodded.

"Who is that?" AJ grabbed the player from Nick, slapping away his hands as he turned the player on its side looking at the text message there. "Not gonna turn it off, Nicky. Chill out." He slid his sunglasses down, reading. "Wilma or Betty Man. Melanie Doane."

Kevin, and Howie who had regained his composure, joined in the light chuckles as Nick continued to listen, his head bobbing to the music. "Yep, that explains a lot," Kevin grinned.

"Hey, here's that boxer's question she asked," Nick said, voice raised slightly as he took the headphones off his head, still listening to the tinny thread of music.

"Yeah and the next one was the kiss one, right? Wonder if she planned to kiss you, D. Or if it just worked out that way," Brian said.

"Something tells me it just worked out that way."

AJ nodded. "Yeah, I mean, she sort of looked at you, Kev, but then took Howie 'cause he was telling us that story."

"So was it a 'luck out' or just okay, D?" Kevin asked the other man.

Howie just winked quickly, running his tongue across his lower lips before breaking into a huge grin.

"Dayum," Nick breathed. Then he shoved the player at Brian, turned and started across the room. "Hey, Natalie. I never got to tell you about my first kiss…"

"Out of my way, Junior," AJ said as he sprinted past the taller man. "I never told her either."

Wanna Listen to a clip of Wilma or Betty Man?

Buy You Are What You Love (Canada)
Buy You Are What You Love(US and International)